AsianScientist (Jul. 5, 2016) – Imagine this. You are alone in a baby changing room at a shopping mall. You’ve got a poopy, squalling baby on a change table. You’ve managed to get his soiled diaper off him, and you’ve cleaned him with some wet wipes. You flail around for a clean diaper, and realize to your horror that it’s fallen off the table, just out of arm’s reach, onto the floor.
You process this information. Do you:
- Hold baby down with one hand, while stretching over and using your foot to kick the diaper to where you can reach it?
- Leave baby on change table for a split second, and bend down to pick up the diaper?
- Carry naked, crying baby in arms while bending down to pick up the diaper?
- Yell out to see if there is anyone within earshot who can help you?
Now, imagine that as you are trying to work out what to do, your mother stands behind you, commenting on your every move.
You decide to go with Option A, and try to contort your body as best you can. Your foot is almost touching the diaper. Almost there…
“Why are you doing that? What if you slip and fall? Then who will take care of the baby? What kind of mother are you?!” says the sharp voice behind you.
You are annoyed, embarrassed, and feel like a bad parent. And you’re still standing there with a now screeching tot lying on a change table in a public space, unsure of what to do next.
No fun at all. You tell yourself that you’d never make your own kids feel inadequate or not good enough.
The problem with intrusive parents
Unfortunately, that’s exactly how many parents in Asia end up making their kids feel, according to the findings of a five-year study by psychology researchers at the National University of Singapore.
The study of 263 primary school children in Singapore saw how maladaptive perfectionism—aka the ‘bad’ form of perfectionism—develops in these kids. The researchers found that children with intrusive parents had a higher tendency to be overly critical of themselves, and this tendency increased over the years. Children who demonstrated high or increased level of self-criticalness also reported to have higher depression or anxiety symptoms.
According to their paper titled “Developmental Trajectories of Maladaptive Perfectionism in Middle Childhood,” some 60 percent and 78 percent of the children were classified as high and/or increasing in self-criticalness and high in socially prescribed perfectionism (where you perceive others have unrealistically high expectations of you) respectively. Worryingly, 59 percent of the kids demonstrated both behavior traits.
What does parental intrusiveness look like? In the context of the study, it was assessed via parents watching their children solve a puzzle within a time limit. A highly intrusive parent was one who interfered with the child’s problem-solving attempts by taking over the game and retracting a move made by their child.
The researchers urged parents to watch their own behavior and not burden children with overly high expectations or overreact if their child makes mistakes, as their actions may have unintended consequences in their kids: greater risk of depression, anxiety and even suicide.
Putting the fun in fundraising
These findings came at an interesting time in my own parenting journey, as my almost eight-year-old son Jordan was about to take part in a school-wide Spelling Bee fundraiser. This was his first “test” of sorts, and he had a month to learn 97 words.
Given that he is generally a level-headed, conscientious kid (despite his Minecraft gaming habit), my husband and I were pretty happy to leave him to revise on his own.
The week before the Spelling Bee, I checked in on him.
“How’s your revision for the Spelling Bee going?”
“Good.”
“You’ve got lots of people pledging donations. How many words are you hoping to get right?”
“Each word is worth NZ$6.50 (~US$4.60). So if I get 65 words right, it will be…”
(After a longish pause) “A lot of money…” he said.
I couldn’t let that rest.
“You’ve still got a week to go to the Spelling Bee. Don’t you want to aim for something a bit higher than 65?”
“Yeah, I guess,” he said, as he ran off back to Minecraft.
In that moment, I realized how easy it would be to veer into ‘intrusive parent’ territory. It was a fine line indeed between supporting Jordan in his learning and imposing my expectations onto him.
That week, I spent 15 minutes every evening with him, going through the word list. It was a mixture of fun and drudgery, but we persevered.
On the morning of the test, he leapt out of the car and ran towards his classroom.
“I think I’m going to get at least 85!” he said.
“You’ve tried your best, that’s what counts!” I said, putting research into practice.
In the end, he surpassed his own expectations, spelling 92 words correctly, and raising almost NZ$600 (US$431) for his school.
I asked him what he’d learnt from the process and his reply told me everything I needed.
“I learnt that fundraising can be extremely fun!”
This article is from a monthly column called Mushroom Mum. Click here to see the other articles in this series.
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Copyright: Asian Scientist Magazine; Photo: Shutterstock.
Disclaimer: This article does not necessarily reflect the views of AsianScientist or its staff.
